New Moon Movie Poster
In 2008, Catherine Hardwike’s cinematic interpretation of Stephanie Meyer’s ‘Twilight’ told us the tale of Bella Swan’s (Kristen Stewart) romantic journey into the arms of broody vampire Edward Cullen. (Robert Pattinson) It’s main aim was to try to depict the intensity of teenage romance and that insatiable infatuation that comes with your first love. New Moon however, deals with the aftermath. How does one cope when the person they desire the most leaves them forever?
Just one day after Twilight’s release, Summit Entertainment greenlit the production of its much anticipated sequel. Yes, after months of hype, New Moon was finally released last week making many a teenage girl slide of their seat with excitement. (Too gross?)
The movie opens on a dream sequence, with Bella and Edward prancing through a field towards a lady whom they presume to be Bella’s grandmother. However, it turns out to be Bella herself, 60 years older with her eternally 17 year old boyfriend by her side. Fearing that Edward won’t want her when “she gets so old and wrinkly that she looks like David Brinkley”, she decides that the only way to keep him interested is to change, a decision that Edward disagrees with intensely. Unfortunately, this semi-interesting sub-plot is put aside until the very end of the movie.
"I vant to suck your blood!"
Instead the film focuses on the repercussions of Bella’s birthday party. As seen in the trailer, during Bella’s 18th she accidently cuts herself on some wrapping paper. This tiny droplet of blood makes Jasper (the curly haired one who constantly looks surprised) go apepoopy and launch himself at Bella.
This occurrence makes Edward come to the conclusion that the only way to protect Bella is to stay away from her; so he and his family of blood-sucking brothers and sisters pack their face paint and lipstick and head off for pastures unknown leaving Bella all alone in Dumpsville.
We'd make an awesome couple
In order to get over Edward, she hits the rebound hard and starts to spend time with family friend Jacob Black. (Taylor Lautner) However, like Edward, he too holds a dark secret; he is one of few in his tribe born with a latent werewolf gene, whose main goal in life is to hunt down and kill vampires. Thus a love triangle is born!
Ok… so here’s what I thought. Twilight was dreadful. I walked into that movie expecting to love it. It seemed to possess that cheesy charm I find utterly irresistible with most films. Instead, I felt cheated. They sparkle for Christ’s sake! How can a diehard Whedonite be expected to take this seriously? I was one of few who didn’t fall for Pattinson’s charm, and to be perfectly frank his ‘brooding intensity’ seemed to me like nothing a few Imodium Plus couldn’t remedy.
Yet for some unexplainable reason, there was this little thing inside me that somehow managed to maintain hope. When the trailer for New Moon was released, I’ll admit, I got a bit giddy. Slow-motion action, werewolf transformations, Dakota Fanning all growed up; it looked amazing. Not to mention the fact that it had a very impressive soundtrack behind it.
But ultimately, the trailer was the best part of this movie. The opening sequence at the very beginning of the credits is of a full moon slowly eclipsing to reveal the title. It seemed to take an eternity. That’s exactly what the film felt like; an hour in the viewer was still waiting for something to actually happen.
We're pretty
When Edward leaves we see Bella moping around for months on end, suffering from night terrors and continuously writing unanswered emails to Edward’s pixie-haired sister Alice (Ashley Greene) , one of the only interesting members of the Cullen clan. Thrilling cinema I’m sure you’ll agree. Realising that the closest she feels to Edward is when she’s near death, she becomes some sort of “adrenaline junkie” putting her own life at risk for the sake of an apparition of her old flame. A ghostly vision of Edward pops up every now and again to try and talk Bella out of doing something reckless, like jumping off a cliff, or getting raped by bikers. I couldn’t help but be reminded of that annoying ex-boyfriend every girl has; that guy who just won’t f**k the hell off.
Anyway, Bella continues this stupidity until she finally befriends the newly muscular and often shirtless Jacob, a bloke who warns her that he could mutilate her at a moment’s notice. (Ya gotta admit, the chick has a type.) But Jacob is seemingly a much more caring and devoted character than Edward, a trait which I assume is partially responsible for the ongoing internet war between Team Jacob and Team Edward.
Near the end of the movie, Edward calls Bella’s home phone and is told by a scorned Jacob that Bella has died. As if by magic, the next scene shows Bella and Alice driving a sports car through Italy to stop Edward from committing suicide. Bella reaches him just in time, but there are consequences to his actions. Bella and Edward must confront the Volturi, a sort of vampiric equivalent to Judge Judy. But luckily, Stephanie Meyer pulls out one of her now famous ‘get out of jail free’ cards and Alice convinces them that Bella will become some sort of super-awesome vampire queen, and they leave with little more than a scratch.
Damn, bitch looks rough
Bella frustrates me to no end. She’s a terrible role model for this film’s target audience. In the first movie Edward is quoted as saying that he’s never wanted someone else’s blood as much as he wants hers, yet Bella, too blinded by love, says that she doesn’t care. I mean how low does your self-esteem have to be to put with that sort of crap? When Edward returns at the end of New Moon, Bella simply goes running back to him. What sort of a message is that to send to young girls? ‘Stay with the person who hurt you?’ Bullshit. Kristen Stewart’s acting needs serious work, especially if she’s going to play the Queen of Rock ‘n Roll Joan Jett in upcoming movie ‘The Runaways‘. (Which also features Dakota Fanning as lead singer Cherie Curie)
This movie makes me genuinely angry. Edward Cullen is one of the most boring characters in existence. The only assumption I can conceive as to why people seem to fall all over him is because since he’s nothing more than a pretty face, it’s easy to project your perfect man right onto his perfect body.
Jacob Black is an adorable character played one of the few good actors in the film. (Though I say that lightly. You must remember that I’m comparing him to a cast who seemingly can’t muster up more than two emotions per movie) But Bella treats him like muck, and strings him along for the length of the film. The girl has no idea what she’s missing out on. I mean come on! You just have to look at them to see who the better man is.
Absolutely Gorgeous vs Anemic Little Weed
Dakota Fanning’s ‘Jane’ has a total of about 5 lines in the entire film, and Michael Sheen’s supposedly petrifying portrayal of ‘Aro’ reminded me all too much of that overly touchy teacher from primary school you try desperately to forget about each night… Too far? Reel it back in Carly.
From a directorial standpoint, Chris Weitz did a good job overcoming Hardwike’s shakycam addiction prevalent in the previous film. Although, Hardwike was the brains behind the epitome of all coming of age movies, 2003’s ‘Thirteen’, and her experience in this particular niche of storytelling shone through. A stark contrast to the ‘nothing happens for the first hour’ approach Weitz took.
In conclusion, the only positive thing I can say about this movie is that its soundtrack is well worth a look. Paramore has disconnected itself with the franchise to be replaced by the magnificent Death Cab for Cutie and their fantastic new single ‘Meet Me on the Equinox’, written specifically for this movie. The OST also feature up and coming indie artist Lykke Li, along with old favourites such as Thom Yorke, The Editors and Ok Go.
New Moon was nothing more than a huge disappointment. Even the ridiculous amount of screen time devoted solely to Taylor Lautner’s abs weren’t enough to keep me interested. But you know what the worst part about this whole debacle is? I know I’ll be even more frivolous and excited when the trailer for Eclipse is released. And the comedown after that will be equally, if not more gut-wrenching. I just never learn.
© Carly Matthews Lynch 2010
Originally posted here
